Being a Positive Male Role Model

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On Father’s Day, I will be thinking of how my dad modeled positive behaviours which have helped me become a man.  As a professional who endeavours to be a positive role model to both the male and female youth whom I support, I will also be considering how best to pass on what I have learned.

As a child and then a youth myself, I do not really remember getting any specific advice from my father but I do remember watching everything he did and listening to everything he said.  This is what I learned from watching my dad:

  1. Try not to get angry – You will most likely regret it.  You should look for the positives not the negatives in life.
  2. Respect women – Men and women are called “partners” for very good reasons.
  3. Honour your commitments and be responsible – Other people are depending on you.
  4. Do not be afraid of what you do not understand – It is a big world out there with many great people to meet and places to see.
  5. Live by the “Golden Rule” – Societies cannot exist without people caring about each other.

I think these lessons can be modeled by men and women alike.  Single mothers can reinforce the importance of these behaviours and possibly underscore these characteristics in men that they choose to bring into their children’s lives. However, being a positive male role model is not complicated. Success lies in being mindful of the fact that children and youth are more influenced by your actions, rather than your words. Don’t tell them how to be a good person, show them.

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Plan An Inexpensive Summer Stay-Cation

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During difficult economic times, we have to cut back on spending in order to afford the rising costs of necessities, and the expense of a vacation is often out of the question. So maybe the Julia Roberts’ yearlong Eat, Pray Love type vacation is not in the cards. We could, however, still enjoy a similar inspirational experience, without the expense, by embarking on a stay-cation. The key to a successful and economical stay-cation is to have a plan.

Your plan should include:

  1. The amount you are willing to spend (or how little you would like to spend)on the stay-cation.
  2. The degree to which you are willing to get outside your comfort zone and try new things.
  3. Something unexpected and self-serving for each day of your stay-cation. Remember this is your vacation time to enjoy even if you are not leaving home.
  4. No work, no household chores and nothing you would normally do. Make a commitment that this is a special time.

Now for the fun part. Once your plan is in place, you can start exploring different economical activities to include on your stay-cation like:

  • Have a picnic. Pack a basket and go to a local park.
  • Go to a local high school or University play. It’s a cheap date and a great substitute for pricey professional shows.
  • Check out the local festivals and events, like the jazz festivals that are often free.
  • Visit a local winery or brewery. It’s an inexpensive and relaxing outing.
  • Go to a local museum.
  • Hit the beach or find a campsite near the beach and enjoy the beautiful sunrise or sunset.
  • Pull out the backpack and spend the day exploring new places and enjoying nature.
  • Have a cycling adventure. Find the local bike trails instead of hitting the streets.
  • Plant a family garden.  Share the joy of gardening with the kids while teaching them about growing your own food.
  • Organize a block party. Host a neighborhood get-together; it’s a great way to share good food (pot-luck) and make good friends.
  • Enjoy a field day with your family and play your all-time favourite childhood games like: Red Rover, freeze tag, three legged race, etc…

Post your own ideas below:

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How the Movie Bully Made Me Think

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Working with youth at Mosaic, we regularly come across bullying and its effects. To gain insight and strategies, a group of us went on a collective outing to see the movie Bully.
Following the recent outcry against bullying and the highlight of a rash of bullying-related suicides in the media, this movie responds to a social desire to witness and understand the bullying phenomenon. This movie documents the experiences of a handful of kids and families whose lives have been affected by youth-on-youth violence. Included in these, are two families who have recently lost children due to bullying-related suicide, and we witness the steps these families take to transform their experiences into a message of hope and help. The central protagonist is an endearing student named Alex whose developmental differences have framed him as an outcast. Footage of him on the bus tormented by other children and his anxiety about this daily ritual are a part of the most heartbreaking pieces of the film.

Bully attempts to show the complicated pain and consequences of bullying, and it does this well. But, there are many questions that this film does not answer about the psychological and social determinants that allow for bullying, or even what we as educators and community members can do to be part of the change. Watching the film, however, reminded me to think through some of my own beliefs around intervention, and I compiled a short list of what I feel are some important basic strategies:

  1. Educate. Talk to kids and teach them about what respectful behavior is and how to respond to negative behavior.
  2. Don’t be a bystander. If you see behaviour that looks questionable, share your concerns respectfully.
  3. Work to make yourself a safe person to talk to. If kids know you respect them and wish to listen, they are more likely to share their distress with you should it arise.
  4. Don’t be a bully yourself! Try to model the same kind of behaviour that you wish kids to emulate, and help create a warm positive environment.

All in all, Bully helped to start an important conversation that will hopefully continue as all those involved with young people work to support their health and happiness.

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If You’re Heading off to University this Fall, Consider These Money-Saving Tips

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Post-secondary education is an expensive pursuit, and costs are rising with each passing year. According to Statistics Canada, the average overall annual tuition cost for a Canadian university is $4724, which rounds off to an average of $18,896 over a four year degree. This estimate does not include other costs, such as textbooks, supplies, renting an apartment, utilities and food. The numbers add up really quickly, and it can be a little overwhelming. It is very important that you have a clear understanding of what the costs will be and how you will manage your day-to-day finances.

Here are some money-saving ideas:

TUITION:

  • Research scholarships and bursaries that you may be eligible for. Completing the applications can sometimes be a time-consuming and daunting task, but it is worth it if it can help with tuition costs.
  • OSAP is an interest free student loan that you don’t have to pay back as long as you are a full time student. However, this does not mean that you can spend this money carelessly. Interest can accumulate quickly upon graduating if you are not prepared to start paying off any accumulated debt.

TEXTBOOKS:

  • Buy used textbooks. The campus bookstore will carry a few used textbooks, but the amount is limited to the number of textbooks that the students sell back. Sometimes the bookstore’s website will have a “used textbook catalogue” or often students have developed a Facebook page where students can post what textbooks they are looking to either buy or sell. If all else fails, ask around, you never know what you might find.
  • Sell your old textbooks once you are done with them either the following term or school year. You can do this privately or by selling the textbooks back to the campus bookstore.
  • Borrow textbooks from friends/other students.
  • Use the library’s textbooks. Often professors will leave a copy on reserve.

HOUSING:

  • Live at home if possible and distance allows. You could save around $40,000 over four years (maybe more).
  • Opt to live off-campus as opposed to on-campus. It is generally cheaper and you can get a nicer place for the same price as on-campus housing. Depending on the location of the University and housing costs, this might not apply to you, however, do the comparison to find out what is more affordable.
  • Look into becoming a Don. The University will often cover your on-campus living costs as payment for your services.
  • Inquire as to whether or not utilities are included. This can be a costly added expense. Make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before you sign any binding contracts.
  • Read your lease or have someone who may have a better understanding, like a parent, read it before you sign anything to ensure there are no hidden costs.
  • Know your rights. Look online to research your rights as a tenant.
  • Buy cheap furniture. Look for garage sales. Every year graduating students move out, often trying to sell off their furniture, or in some cases, leaving it behind for free.

ENTERTAINMENT:

  • Find free or affordable options for entertainment. There will be plenty of student activities, occasional movie nights, events and shows going on around campus. Look for activities listed in the student newspaper, posters or bulletin boards.
  • Join or start a club. The funding is there, you just need to ask the right people.
  • Research different discounts that you get with your student card.
  • Use Skype to keep in touch with family and friends. It’s free!

TRANSPORTATION:

  • Look into whether or not your university/college offers a free bus pass. If not, look to see if you qualify for discounted public transit rates with your student card.
  • Find a house/apartment within walking distance of the school (if possible).
  • Try to carpool with other students when going home for visits/holidays. This way you can share gas costs.

FOOD:

  • Avoid expensive on-campus food courts. Instead, pack a lunch or leftovers for dinner if you have class late at night.
  • Create a meal plan and know exactly what you need when you go to the grocery store. This will save you from spending aimlessly on food that you don’t need.
  • Eat local and in-season produce. Pre-packaged, pre-cooked foods are always more expensive and generally are not very good for you.
  • Reduce food waste by preserving foods. Freezing leftover food, making soup stock, putting leftovers into casseroles are just some of the strategies that can help you save money in the long run.
  • Find out about local farmers markets. Their prices are generally cheaper than those at the grocery store.
  • Get in the kitchen with your parents now and learn how to make some of your favourite foods. Not only will you miss those home cooked meals, but eating out is always more costly than making your own meals.
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Are You a Busy Mother Trying to Find Balance in Your Life?

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As mothers, the fullness of our lives can inspire and energize as much as it can overwhelm us. We are parents, spouses, friends, caregivers of elderly relatives, workers and volunteers in our communities. Family and personal time interrupts work, and work interrupts family and personal time. We yearn for a sense of balance in our lives, yet balance often seems elusive. Balance suggests a state of equilibrium, which in our fast-paced life seems an impossible goal.

Perhaps balance, in the narrow sense, is the wrong goal. In a recent Globe and Mail article, Craig Chappelow, of the Centre for Creative Leadership, suggests that the traditional model of work-life balance as a scale with both sides equal doesn’t work today. It’s more about integration than balance. This approach seems to better reflect the continuously changing demands we face in work and in our personal lives. The focus then is on the boundaries and transitions from one to another. Chappelow suggests it requires some self-analysis – looking at our behaviours, how we identify with our different roles, and our sense of control as we manage the boundaries between work and family — and has developed a tool, the Work Life Indicator to assist.

A recent study by Canadian Mental Health suggests that 58% of Canadians report “overload” from the many roles we play in life. But we must also make room in our lives for taking care of our own physical and mental well-being. They offer a free Work Life Balance quiz and some tips to create a greater sense of balance.

However we approach managing our time, and whatever tools and resources we incorporate to help us, it starts with each of us individually taking responsibility for our state of mind. Often, as mothers, we put ourselves at the bottom of the list when it comes to care-giving. We think it selfish to put ourselves at the top of the list. But, we need to remember that we are better able to care for others when we are happy and healthy. Just as in the pre-flight emergency reminders where we are instructed to first apply our own oxygen masks before we can help others, we need to first take care of our own wellness in order to have the resources and energy to care for others.

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If You Are Grieving The Loss of a Spouse, Here Are Some Approaches to Help You Heal

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Grieving the death of a spouse is a painful process. Many experience grief as riding a roller-coaster. The initial impact of the loss is devastating. It kind of feels like that initial, terrifying drop in the roller-coaster. Then you have some good days when you feel like the worst is over, only to drop down again. There will be good days and bad days. During the first year after losing a spouse, the “firsts” are especially painful. Examples are birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, vacations etc. These are times when the pain of not having your spouse can feel especially strong.

Grief is a journey towards healing and regaining a sense of stability again. Here are some approaches that a person who has lost a spouse can adopt to assist with the healing:

  • Focus on taking care of yourself and any dependents that you have. If people or commitments stress and exhaust you and are not absolute necessities, take a break from them for a while.
  • Seek out trusted people who support and nurture you. Allow those people to help you with some of the difficult tasks of the transition such as income tax preparation, filling out necessary paper-work, packing up and moving belongings if you need that done. Also talk to people you trust about how you are feeling.
  • Be attentive to your physical needs. Grieving is exhausting work. When you suffer a loss you may feel foggy, have difficulty remembering things and feel that you can’t cope with a lot. That is due to grief’s physical impact on the brain. The impact is temporary, but may last many months. Be patient and gentle with yourself while you heal.

Signs that grief has become Complicated Mourning and that someone needs professional help are:

  • hyper-sensitivity to loss experiences
  • restlessness, agitation and over-sensitivity
  • intrusive anxiety about death regarding yourself or others
  • rigid, ritualistic and compulsive behaviour
  • flattened feelings – no emotional expression
  • fear of intimacy or impulsive relationships or a lack of basic self-care. Complicated Mourning

If you are experiencing any of these, counselling could help you to move through your grief in a healthier way. A good book to help you through this process is I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Noel Brook. Recommended websites to visit include www.griefnet.org and www.compassionatefriends.org. In the Region of Waterloo, there is a bereavement support group run by Bereaved Families of Ontario. For more information, contact: Kim at(519)745-9495. If you are struggling with grief issues and would like to explore individual counselling to help you through this process, you can call us at Mosaic at (519)743-6333.

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It’s the Season to Spring Clean Your Finances

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Spring is the time when flowers start blooming, grass turns greener and, for some reason, “spring cleaning” comes to mind.  When I think “spring cleaning,” I don’t normally think of cleaning my home (although I probably should), I think of organizing my paperwork.  It might be because I have finished my income taxes and I can purge all that paperwork.

So, what do I do when I spring clean my finances?

  1. I start with my paper work. I usually keep at least one year of old bills and at least 7 years of taxes (okay I keep my tax information forever).  It feels great to be able to destroy those old paid bills.
  2. I then look at what debts I have, and the interest rates on those debts.  If I have a balance on a high interest credit card, I am looking at getting rid of the balance of that card by either paying it off (option #1) or transferring that balance to a much lower interest loan or line of credit (option #2). Why do I have that high interest credit card anyway?  Maybe, it’s in my best interest to get rid of that card.
  3. I look at what I am doing for my retirement. Should I make an appointment with my financial planner? Am I putting enough away for my retirement? Should I be contributing more on a monthly basis to my RRSPs? 
  4. I also use this time to get a copy of my credit rating. If I am going to be making any major purchases in the next year, I want my credit rating to reflect properly so I can get the best interest rate available to me.
  5. Next up… a review of my spending habits and future needs and wants. Am I planning a vacation? How much do I need to change my budget to account for this or any other items I want to spend my money on? 
  6. And finally, if I am really enthusiastic, I start cleaning my apartment. 
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The Habit Loop – How to Understand and Change Your Habits

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Are you stuck in the habit loop? Do you want to break a bad habit? Before you can change your habits, you need to understand how they work. In his book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Charles Duhigg teaches us how habits are formed and how we can change them.

According to a paper published by Duke University, more than 40 percent of our daily actions are habits. Some habits are good, and some are bad. The key is in learning how to replace bad habits with good ones. In his book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Charles Duhigg teaches us how habits are formed and what we can do about them, and, most importantly, that habits can be changed if we understand how they work.

In its basic form, a habit is the brain’s way of saving effort.  Duhigg breaks down the creation of habits into a three step loop:

  • The Cue – a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use.
  • The Routine – which can be physical, mental or emotional.
  • The Reward – which helps your brain decide if this loop is worth remembering in the future.

As you go through your workday, how many times do you find yourself walking to the lunchroom to get a coffee at the same time each afternoon? Have you ever stopped and asked why you crave a coffee? Is it because your body needs a caffeine boost, or could it be because you are bored and need a break? The same questions can be asked to determine why we don’t exercise as often as we like, or why we watch too much TV. By becoming mindful of our habits, we can better understand our actions and in turn make more deliberate choice.

Duhigg says the important part to remember is that “When a habit emerges, the brain stops fully participating in the decision making. It stops working so hard, or diverts focus to other tasks. So unless you deliberately fight a habit – unless you find new routines – the pattern will unfold automatically.”

Habits are formed without our consent. We normally don’t intend to skip the gym on a regular basis. What happens is that we miss it once a month, then gradually once a week, then twice – as the cues and rewards create a habit – until we don’t take the time to go at all.

The good news is that once we understand our habits, including the cue, the routine and the reward, we can start to change them.  Duhigg provides us with a framework for understanding and redesigning our habits:

  • Identify the routine
  • Experiment with rewards
  • Isolate the cue
  • Have a plan

Changing some habits will be harder than others, and in The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, Duhigg states that “sometimes change can take a long time. Sometimes it requires repeated experiments and failures. But once you understand how a habit operates – once you diagnose the cue, the routine and the reward – you gain power over it.”

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9 Steps You Can Take to Improve your Couple Communication Skills

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According to the Vanier Institute of the Family, statistics in October 2011 revealed that 4 in 10 marriages end in divorce. Divorce rates are measured as a prediction of the percentage of couples that can be expected to divorce before their 30th wedding anniversary. So what can couples do today to find themselves in a happy relationship in 30 years?

  1. Be pro-active instead of reactive and avoid the “I did this because you did that” way of thinking. When you are reactive, you are blaming someone or something else for your behaviour. Your actions come from within you, from your chosen standards and values, not from an external source. When you are proactive, you determine the direction of your life and don’t allow any external thing to excuse your behaviour. It means you take personal responsibility for who you are and what you do.
  2. Give positive affirmations. Compliment, praise, thank and acknowledge your partner. Don’t assume that your partner knows that you love and appreciate them. Be affirming, genuinely, regularly and consistently.
  3. Model how you would like to be treated. If you want to be listened to, practice the skills of being a good listener.
  4. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements.You” statements blame, accuse and criticize. “You always do this…” Alternatively, “I” statements express how you feel. “I feel hurt when…”
  5. Seek first to understand – then to be understood. Often our first reaction when situations become escalated is to make ourselves understood. Try to listen to your partner and empathize with their position.
  6. Develop your communication skills. 98% of good communication is effective listening. Concentrate on what the other person is saying, then try to convey back what you believe they are trying to say. Also, be aware of your body language. Develop eye contact, have a pleasant facial expression, watch your tone of voice, be present and engaged.
  7. Empower your partner. Don’t try to solve all of their problems or tell them what they should do, instead be supportive and encouraging to help them manage their challenges.
  8. Nurture the relationship. In a dynamic relationship, you have to continually address change. Continue to invest time to dialogue about your partnership, your needs, your dreams.  Schedule dedicated couple time.
  9. Communicate your needs in a positive and constructive way. Your partner cannot read your mind. Ask for what you need in a timely, specific and non-demanding way.
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During Challenging Times, You Can Learn to be an Optimist

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Viewpoint makes all the difference. During a really difficult time professionally, when solutions to one of those big, thorny issues seemed beyond my reach, a trusted mentor reminded me that it was not personal, not pervasive, and not permanent.  He saw just how stuck I was and how much I was taking it personally.  Reframing the situation and challenging some of my reasoning about it, shifted my view. The shift meant that it didn’t get to me – it wasn’t a personal thing and it was solvable – which helped me to re-establish my perseverance.

My mentor was reminding me of the work of Dr. Martin Seligman, in Learned Optimism.  After extensive research, Dr. Seligman concludes that optimists and pessimists attribute the reasons for success and failure differently. Pessimists tend to attribute failure and bad events to permanent, personal, and pervasive factors. Optimists tend to attribute bad events to non-personal, non-permanent, and non-pervasive factors. “Permanent” are factors that will be with you throughout life; “personal” are factors that relate to us as individuals; and “pervasive” are factors that affect our efficacy in other parts of our life.

Some people are more optimistic by nature, but optimism is not a fixed attribute. The really good news is that we can all develop skills to improve optimism. Learned Optimism includes a test to determine our own style and strategies for growing a more optimistic and hopeful attitude .  A lot has to do with handling setbacks, of learning how to dispute our initial reaction to a setback. When we encounter adversity, we often dwell on it, which then can become deeply ingrained as our belief. When we challenge those negative beliefs, we can find our energy again. Dr. Seligman  writes:  “Finding temporary and specific causes for misfortune is the art of hope.”

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